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Oct 17, 2013
10/13
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>> jon: no. >> no? >> jon: we have the largest military in the world. >> obama looks weak to the world, i think that sat fact, all right? he looks weak to the world. >> jon: but why do you think that is fact? >> because people are talking to us, stewart, they are talking america. >> jon: you think assad basically, assad did this. >> yes. >> jon: president obama drew a red line a year ago about the use of chemicals weapons. >> yes. >> jon: i think i am going to use them just to put it in his face? >> no. i think assad can't control his military and the military did it without -- but he is in charge. >> jon: right. >> so part of the calculation though is if i degrade syria any further, doesn't that create more chaos no matter where the chemicals weapons are. >> i don't think he can do that, if i if you are the president of the united states and you tell people not to kill children and they do you have to take action. >> jon: but they already had been killing children and by the way they are killing childr
>> jon: no. >> no? >> jon: we have the largest military in the world. >> obama looks weak to the world, i think that sat fact, all right? he looks weak to the world. >> jon: but why do you think that is fact? >> because people are talking to us, stewart, they are talking america. >> jon: you think assad basically, assad did this. >> yes. >> jon: president obama drew a red line a year ago about the use of chemicals weapons. >> yes....
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May 21, 2015
05/15
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>> jon: physically. >> yes. >> jon: we could pull this off. >> are we related we're cousins. >> jon: give me your face here get a little close. look at this. (applause) at some point in a biblical land my great great great great great gand father and your great great great great grandfather, whatever said i'm going to go this way you go that way. >> whatever. >> jon: how are you doing? >> i'm great. >> jon: you know i love you. >> i like you, a lot. >> jon: really, not-- i mean -- >> i don't know you. i mean-- you know. >> jon: we've never met. >> you are funny and you tell the stuff the show. >> jon: do you still-- dow still enjoy going to the record stores an going in and browsing. >> i don't. it's more of a-- it's too deep. it's too much. i can't do it right now. >> jon: too deep and too much in terms of -- >> i don't-- you know i have thousands of records from years and years and years and thousands of 45s. and i don't listen to them. >> jon: right, right right. >> enough. i don't spend enough time with them so they will be up set if i'm going to get more friends. i'm just-- you
>> jon: physically. >> yes. >> jon: we could pull this off. >> are we related we're cousins. >> jon: give me your face here get a little close. look at this. (applause) at some point in a biblical land my great great great great great gand father and your great great great great grandfather, whatever said i'm going to go this way you go that way. >> whatever. >> jon: how are you doing? >> i'm great. >> jon: you know i love you. >> i...
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Aug 21, 2012
08/12
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a woman calls i answer, jon. >> jon: is that true? it can be anybody, a woman -- >> a hot, french woman what are you going to do? you would pick up that phone, won't you. >> jon: i would most likely pick up my phone but i wouldn't understand what they were saying. >> i wouldn't care what they were saying. >> jon: that makes total sense. >> right. >> jon: what are you a radio host? >> radio host columnist, ellen mitchell, nelson george type displ and your name is mingus. >> mingus. mingus, and in the movie it rhymes with cunnilingus, which is all right by me. >> jon: is that the one liner from the movie? ( laughter ) ( applause ) imagine a guy, and his name iseningus, so you're doing-- you're doing this, and then you're moving right to the sandler and spade, like-- do you pull a groin from that? how do you go from you're doing the french delpy-- >> movie. >> jon: and then going into-- >> then i did "grown-ups two." >> jon: "grown-ups, two." even more grown-up. and you're producing-- you're a hard-work individual. >> i try to keep it mo
a woman calls i answer, jon. >> jon: is that true? it can be anybody, a woman -- >> a hot, french woman what are you going to do? you would pick up that phone, won't you. >> jon: i would most likely pick up my phone but i wouldn't understand what they were saying. >> i wouldn't care what they were saying. >> jon: that makes total sense. >> right. >> jon: what are you a radio host? >> radio host columnist, ellen mitchell, nelson george type displ...
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Jan 18, 2012
01/12
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jon, jon, please, can we make this quick? >> jon: make it quick? >> i want to make sure liam neeson gets enough time to talk about "the gray." (laughter). >> jon: very suspenseful. i'm concerned. i don't want to seem ungrateful for the staggering amount of money with almost no limitations you put at my disposal from the superpac. >> as you know, jon, federal law prohibits me from coordinating with you. >> jon: damn it! so close yet stymied by the unpossibly strict regulations concerning federal elections. >> jon, if i may, there is one small loop-chasm. >> i'm calling on the superpac. i cannot coordinate or communicate with them directly but i can speak out as a citizen talking to you. i'm calling on them to edit out every single mistake or to pull the entire film. >> i can't tell you, but i can tell everyone through television. and if you happen to be watching, well, i can't prevent that, jon. (laughter). >> jon: stephen, i don't have time to watch your show tonight. wait a second. oh, i have an idea. hold on. (laughter) (cheers and applause) is t
jon, jon, please, can we make this quick? >> jon: make it quick? >> i want to make sure liam neeson gets enough time to talk about "the gray." (laughter). >> jon: very suspenseful. i'm concerned. i don't want to seem ungrateful for the staggering amount of money with almost no limitations you put at my disposal from the superpac. >> as you know, jon, federal law prohibits me from coordinating with you. >> jon: damn it! so close yet stymied by the...
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(cheers and applause) >> jon: jon hamm? hey, you're the only other person on tv who spells jon correctly? >> hamm: ugh! "jon" with an h? an abomination. >> jon: an abomination. you're a little early, but come on over. let me just get another cup! >> hamm: actually, i'm here to right a grievous wrong. i have been watching you for 16 long years and there's one thing nobody really talks about. >> jon: what's that? your voice, jon. your glorious voice. your voice is like bette midler, barbara streisand and luciano pavarotti had a threesome, and then gave birth to the perfect set of vocal cords -- yours. >> jon: oh, stop it... (cheering) >> so tonight, we celebrate what you've likely wanted all along, to teach the world to sing. (cheers and applause) ♪ welcome to "the daily show" ♪ ♪ i'm jon stewart ♪ ♪ don't go chasing water on mars ♪ ♪ if you like pina coladas and like to party ♪ ♪ come with me on the vacation ♪ ♪ the western wings ♪ ♪ karl rove just joined the executive ranch ♪ ♪ can't a girl get
(cheers and applause) >> jon: jon hamm? hey, you're the only other person on tv who spells jon correctly? >> hamm: ugh! "jon" with an h? an abomination. >> jon: an abomination. you're a little early, but come on over. let me just get another cup! >> hamm: actually, i'm here to right a grievous wrong. i have been watching you for 16 long years and there's one thing nobody really talks about. >> jon: what's that? your voice, jon. your glorious voice. your...
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Apr 19, 2013
04/13
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>> jon, jon, jon, i'm sorry. i'm just getting word that road tests has been laid. >> no arrest has been made. i'm just getting that in from a source. i cannot confirm the source. i will say that she is dark skinned, possibly tall with a cast on her right wrist. >> jon: jessica, do you have any news? have you heard anything. >> jon, i heard if you have sex in the blood it doesn't count. jon, somebody just told me that. >> jon: i didn't mean news on... on this was from a credible source. the guy is a gym teacher. who knows better than him. >> jon: do you have anything on the suspect? >> no. i'm hearing a lot of [bleep], jon. but i don't want to be irresponsible. and just blurt it out. honestly i thought it would be just more judicious to wait the five minutes it might take to have the information verified. >> jon, can you jump in here? it was a fat hispanic lady, jon. or what i'm hearing a dog on his hind legs wearing glasses and a hat. i cannot confirm any more than that at this point. i probably shouldn't even be
>> jon, jon, jon, i'm sorry. i'm just getting word that road tests has been laid. >> no arrest has been made. i'm just getting that in from a source. i cannot confirm the source. i will say that she is dark skinned, possibly tall with a cast on her right wrist. >> jon: jessica, do you have any news? have you heard anything. >> jon, i heard if you have sex in the blood it doesn't count. jon, somebody just told me that. >> jon: i didn't mean news on... on this was...
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May 27, 2014
05/14
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is that right, jon? ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: you know, this is really-- this is really why i'm not sure you're the best candidate to move the clippers, past the legacy of donald sterling. >> why would i want to do that? >> jon: well, he's a racist and being stripped of his team in disgrace. >> a team that he bought for $12 million that he's now being forced to sell for over half a billion dollars. jon, that's not a disgrace. that's a billion model. if he make half a billion by being secretly racist imagine how much i can make being openly racist. >> jon: i don't know your mostly black basketball team will appreciate that. >> don't worry about that i'm going to fire all the black players. i i'm tyke the clippers all white. >> jon: sorry, say that again? >> like mitt romney buying mayonnaise on his way to a cold play concert. >> jon: i think if you cothat to the los angeles clippers, los angeles will tear you apart. >> oh, jon i'll already be long gone. i'm moving the team to massachusetts, first pl
is that right, jon? ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: you know, this is really-- this is really why i'm not sure you're the best candidate to move the clippers, past the legacy of donald sterling. >> why would i want to do that? >> jon: well, he's a racist and being stripped of his team in disgrace. >> a team that he bought for $12 million that he's now being forced to sell for over half a billion dollars. jon, that's not a disgrace. that's a billion model. if he make half...
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Jun 13, 2012
06/12
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jon: no. why don't you shut the [bleep] up, jon >> jon: the prime minister forgetting his eight-year-old daughter. i mean that's got to be a huge scandal >> not really, jon. in britain being left by your parent is a hallowed rite of passage. when every child reaches eight years of age they are abandoned by their family and forced to fend for themselves for a period of time. it's like our rumspringer, a coming of age, an orphan mitzvah, if you will >> jon: to leave an eight-year-old child alone in a pub, she must have been terrified >> at least he left her in a nice pub, jon. oh, the plow at camdden, trust me, jon. there are far less reputable establishments she could have been left in like the witch's chootch or the. i myself was left in the rat and pedophile. that's a rough joint, jon. that's a rough joint. but i will say their sunday brunch is surprisingly good. >> jon: i have heard that. at eight years old, all british children have to temporary become an orphan >> yeah. jon: how do they su
jon: no. why don't you shut the [bleep] up, jon >> jon: the prime minister forgetting his eight-year-old daughter. i mean that's got to be a huge scandal >> not really, jon. in britain being left by your parent is a hallowed rite of passage. when every child reaches eight years of age they are abandoned by their family and forced to fend for themselves for a period of time. it's like our rumspringer, a coming of age, an orphan mitzvah, if you will >> jon: to leave an...
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Sep 20, 2013
09/13
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thank you. >> jon: nice to see you. >> thank you, jon. >> jon: so, so this is the week or is it next week that the clinton initiative group getsing to for their annual meeting in new york, yes? >> that's right, next week. >> jon: now what are you going-- what are you going to be doing there? do you have responsibilities for that week as well? >> i do. >> jon: now what are you going to do? >> well, i hope you'll come. >> jon: to the -- >> i'm inviting you. >> jon: is that true. >> yeah. >> jon: when is it. >> next week. >> jon: will there be snacks. >> always. >> jon: is that true. >> i don't know if-- backstage on set candy. >> jon: . >> but if you come i will make sure we have fun size candy. >> jon: i'm out here climbing it out 22 minutes a day 4 days a week so my time is very limited with this sort of thing. what are so programs that i would see if i were to go there. >> our theme this year is mobilizing for impact. so how do we think about what partners should be working together to solve which problems. and the panel i'll be moderating is really focused on noncommune cable disea
thank you. >> jon: nice to see you. >> thank you, jon. >> jon: so, so this is the week or is it next week that the clinton initiative group getsing to for their annual meeting in new york, yes? >> that's right, next week. >> jon: now what are you going-- what are you going to be doing there? do you have responsibilities for that week as well? >> i do. >> jon: now what are you going to do? >> well, i hope you'll come. >> jon: to the --...
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Sep 13, 2013
09/13
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show," the show we did on hbo, which jon was a part of. >> jon was in mr. show. >> jon: my favorite sketch was the rock band who inspired a kid to commit suicide, and we visited him in the hospital. the show was just great. you're doing a tour of it now, yes? >> well, we're doing some new sketches and stand-up comedy to promote this book and see our fans, who we haven't seen in so long. >> jon: how do they look? >> a little in the middle. they could work out. >> they could skip a hamburger once in a while. ( laughter ) >> jon: it is pretty much two full film scripts? >> yes. one is a sketch movie, and one is a satire -- >> jon: it's in a who? >> it's like underground, a trench. >> it is the tunnel of -- >> jon: but for bob and dave to make a movie -- >> that's a sketch movie. >> from the moment you do it, i envision that big boom shot from the beginning of the show, as it came together. >> yes. we have little sketches in there, like a great '50s sci-fi film called "one-eyed aliens from planet mars," in which they scare the heck out of americans because they
show," the show we did on hbo, which jon was a part of. >> jon was in mr. show. >> jon: my favorite sketch was the rock band who inspired a kid to commit suicide, and we visited him in the hospital. the show was just great. you're doing a tour of it now, yes? >> well, we're doing some new sketches and stand-up comedy to promote this book and see our fans, who we haven't seen in so long. >> jon: how do they look? >> a little in the middle. they could work out....
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Apr 12, 2012
04/12
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my same in jon stewart. oh, doctor my name is jon stewart. oh, our program tonight -- you are going to love it. my guest spacex c.e.o. elon musk. has his own rockets. whether they are tipped with lasers, i do not know. [ laughter ] before we get started, business news after the top. ♪ >> breaking news on rick santorum dropping out -- [cheers and applause] >> jon: sure that's -- i'm stuck with the santorum dropping out -- well i can't do those jokes anymore. not just because of moral issue but we shredded all of them for god sakes. word of his departure came in the form of just in, standard modifier which discontinuing wishes in a temporal sense just in news from regular stale, run of the mill news. it's the only news modifier you need just temporal stuff. recently cnn would disagree. >> time now for the political pop. >> time now for the cnn political gut check. >> this time new for no talking points. >> checking stories across the country now. >> time for politics update. time for r andr not rest and relaxation but reynolds and randy time.
my same in jon stewart. oh, doctor my name is jon stewart. oh, our program tonight -- you are going to love it. my guest spacex c.e.o. elon musk. has his own rockets. whether they are tipped with lasers, i do not know. [ laughter ] before we get started, business news after the top. ♪ >> breaking news on rick santorum dropping out -- [cheers and applause] >> jon: sure that's -- i'm stuck with the santorum dropping out -- well i can't do those jokes anymore. not just because of...
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Nov 27, 2013
11/13
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>> jon: i know, maybe he indicated he -- >> jon, jon -- >> you don't even know what i was going to say. >> don't i know, don't i know what you were going to say. >> okay, fine, you probably do. actually, i think we do v if i may, we have a little more info. here is one of the candidate dave wilson's radio ads. >> this is killing the hopes and dreams of our chrn. >> i have had about enough of him. >> what are we going to do? >> i'm voting for dave wilson. >> jon: and here's dave wilson. (laughter) panel? >> racist. >> smart but racist. >> jon: jason jones. >> i'm going to go with creative. >> i think it's hilarious but it's totally racist. >> jon: okay right, big surprise there. >> excuse me? >> jon: you know, because-- you know, you are -- >> what? i'm what? >> jon: no, no because es -- >> what, what am i-- . >> jon: because he's not-- all i'm saying it would be nice if we could get some impartial judges in here. >> jon: let me just say this, no, no, no. you feel like you're not in a power position, i understand that. let's get some other judges in here. i think that might help. >> ser
>> jon: i know, maybe he indicated he -- >> jon, jon -- >> you don't even know what i was going to say. >> don't i know, don't i know what you were going to say. >> okay, fine, you probably do. actually, i think we do v if i may, we have a little more info. here is one of the candidate dave wilson's radio ads. >> this is killing the hopes and dreams of our chrn. >> i have had about enough of him. >> what are we going to do? >> i'm voting for...
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Sep 11, 2013
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. >> hey, jon, jon -- >> jon: yeah? >> two things. first, how do they make velvet? and, second, can we talk about had how great this is? i'm on a gig in italy, in close proximity to a flaming hash boat? i mean, time to start coming up with a new dream. >> jon: this is your life-long dream? >> yeah. jon, i had a very specific bucket list with three things on it: italy, weed, and boat. three birds, one stoner. >> jon: thank you very much, al. plawmpl [applause] >> jon: we're back with my guest tonight, a pulitzer winning prize, bill dedman. [applause] >> jon: this is one of those incredible stories that is right underneath sort of literally the nose of new yorkers, but nobody has any idea about this. how did you find hugett clark and this story. >> i was shopping for a house for my family, and i got a little out of our price range. her house in connecticut was for sale for $24 million, marked down from $35 million. i was looking up who owned which houses at the top of the charts. and i didn't know her name. so i was looking up the address on the town website. and i wa
. >> hey, jon, jon -- >> jon: yeah? >> two things. first, how do they make velvet? and, second, can we talk about had how great this is? i'm on a gig in italy, in close proximity to a flaming hash boat? i mean, time to start coming up with a new dream. >> jon: this is your life-long dream? >> yeah. jon, i had a very specific bucket list with three things on it: italy, weed, and boat. three birds, one stoner. >> jon: thank you very much, al. plawmpl [applause]...
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jon this is like -- >> jon: what? this is like a kayak site where you check out what plane you want to get on. the good news is you don't have to buy it today. you have to have insurance by the 15th of december to have a plan that starts in january. >> jon: these are individuals. a legitimate criticism of this is that businesses were given a delay of a year but individuals were not given that option. why is that? >> well business owners with more than 50 employees and thinks that the only business owners with any responsibility. 95% of them are in the market right now. a delay doesn't change the market numbers. individuals have tax credits coming their way. have financial help for the first time and the market that we are now running -- >> jon: right. >> -- is available for them. that doesn't delay that didn't stop. we know about six out of ten people will get a policy for under $100 a month. never happened before. insurance companies can't turn anybody away with a preexisting condition. >> jon: i'm if an individual i
jon this is like -- >> jon: what? this is like a kayak site where you check out what plane you want to get on. the good news is you don't have to buy it today. you have to have insurance by the 15th of december to have a plan that starts in january. >> jon: these are individuals. a legitimate criticism of this is that businesses were given a delay of a year but individuals were not given that option. why is that? >> well business owners with more than 50 employees and thinks...
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Dec 22, 2012
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take my hand, jon stewart. jon jon we will fly. [speaking in a ghost voice]: we will fly, fly, fly, jon. >> jon: fly. [speaking in a ghost voice]: fly, fly. >> jon: this feels a lot like walking. where are we? this is going to be exciting. oh, my god, that's my old middle school. [speaking in a ghost voice]: that's right, jon stewart, behold. >> i have a millennium falcon for christmas. >> i got an electric guitar. i got a new bike. >> hey, jon, what did you get for hanukkah? >> i got a pomegranate. >> a what? >> a pomegranate. it's a fruit. you eat the seeds. >> what kind of dweeb eats seeds? >> it was the second night. we always get fruit. [laughter] [speaking in a ghost voice]: good times. >> jon: no, not good times. everybody made fun of me because i brought fruit in. >> it had a lot of vitamin k. >> jon: who are you? >> seriously? how long have i worked here? >> jon: new york i mean, in the bit, who are you? [speaking in a ghost voice]: i am the alternate ghost of christmas past. what if you had your wish and being a jew at ch
take my hand, jon stewart. jon jon we will fly. [speaking in a ghost voice]: we will fly, fly, fly, jon. >> jon: fly. [speaking in a ghost voice]: fly, fly. >> jon: this feels a lot like walking. where are we? this is going to be exciting. oh, my god, that's my old middle school. [speaking in a ghost voice]: that's right, jon stewart, behold. >> i have a millennium falcon for christmas. >> i got an electric guitar. i got a new bike. >> hey, jon, what did you get...
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Nov 30, 2012
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. >> i don't-- don't make me go, jon. >> jon: what? >> it's a nightmare over there. nothing but money managers and trust funds and trumps, no one knows how to cook or clean or make, what is that thing that keeps you warm. >> jon: heat. >> heat, yes. where does that come from. too many chiefs, not enough indians, you know what i mean, or mexicans. i miss the mexicans. i miss them so much. mi so sorry. why did they have to leave. do you have a clean 1200 bill. >> jon: no, i don't, john hodgman, everybody, we'll be r xçññ@ jdz welcome back, my guest tonight is a staff writing at the new worker. his new book is called dogfight. 2012 presidentate campaign in verse please welcome back to the program calvin trillin, sir. mr. trillin always a delight to see you, my friend. >> thank you, you're looking well. >> thank you. >> i have to say something about this book. >> go ahead, say as much as you can possibly say. >> i have many authors on the program, many esteemed pulitzer prize winner, people of great renown. >> right. >> jon: the
. >> i don't-- don't make me go, jon. >> jon: what? >> it's a nightmare over there. nothing but money managers and trust funds and trumps, no one knows how to cook or clean or make, what is that thing that keeps you warm. >> jon: heat. >> heat, yes. where does that come from. too many chiefs, not enough indians, you know what i mean, or mexicans. i miss the mexicans. i miss them so much. mi so sorry. why did they have to leave. do you have a clean 1200 bill....
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a rock star because i have great acting range, jon. >> jon: you do. is that the hair was. i thought you were doing the ron dugay story. remember the rangers? rnch they making that? i bring it up, jon because you made a movie this past year that you directed that i'm not in. >> jon: well, because i was making a film, not a movie. >> oh. [audience reacts] >> jon: i was trying to class it up a little bit. >> with serious actors. >> jon: just actors people when could act. >> yeah, yeah. [ laughter ] can i go back to the hair quick again. i do a lot of my acting with my hair. >> jon: let me ask you a question. how long did it take to you get a perm? what did they -- >> it's like deniro in raging bull. you have to grow it out, okay? >> jon: sure. >> for months at a time. you have to really let it go. >> jon: or walk into like a sauna, i guess could you do. >> and then you have to go a hair salon. i went to an actual hair salon and had it cut by a professional hair stylist. >> jon: yeah, yeah. i remember being really impressedpressed with robert den raging b
a rock star because i have great acting range, jon. >> jon: you do. is that the hair was. i thought you were doing the ron dugay story. remember the rangers? rnch they making that? i bring it up, jon because you made a movie this past year that you directed that i'm not in. >> jon: well, because i was making a film, not a movie. >> oh. [audience reacts] >> jon: i was trying to class it up a little bit. >> with serious actors. >> jon: just actors people when...
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is jon stewart. guest tomorrow, tim tebow, now the denver broncos tremendous ballplayer. tonight, though we begin with politics, thankfully presidential politics. big announcement from mitt romney. >> i'm mitt romney. i believe in america. and i'm running for president of the united states. (cheers and applause) (laughter) >> jon: i believe in america. what are we, narnia? (laughter) you think that makes you special? you know what, welcome, mitt, to a refreshing change of pace for me, being able to deal with a more wholesome story of national importance than the one we've been-- oh my god! (laughter) son of a-- anthony weiner's penis twit just killed mitt romney. no! no, anthony weiner's penis tweet, i will not allow our presidential coverage to be literally [bleep]. i won't allow it we are going to do tonight a full on political indecision segment. do the indecision open that will-- (cheers and applause) >> jon: dammit, dammit! dammit! the weiner story has gotten into the matrix. (laughter) it's as
is jon stewart. guest tomorrow, tim tebow, now the denver broncos tremendous ballplayer. tonight, though we begin with politics, thankfully presidential politics. big announcement from mitt romney. >> i'm mitt romney. i believe in america. and i'm running for president of the united states. (cheers and applause) (laughter) >> jon: i believe in america. what are we, narnia? (laughter) you think that makes you special? you know what, welcome, mitt, to a refreshing change of pace for...
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jon? >> jon: thank you, lewis. lewis black, everybody. [ birds chirping ] [ inhales, exhales ] [ announcer ] cigarettes are not just dangerous when they're smoked. [ rat squeaking ] they're dangerous long after. cigarette butts are toxic. they release chemicals that poison our water... and harm wildlife. and millions... are polluting our environment. [ sniffing ] [ seagulls squawking ] (cheers and applause). >> jon: welcome back! my guest tonight, his latest film is called "oblivion." >> technician 4-9, ships systems are green. i'm good to go. >> copy tech 4-9, you've cleared. >> good work on that. (laughter) >> jon: please welcome back to the show tom cruise! (cheers and applause) >> jon: . >> thank you very much. >> jon: the people love! they love! >> thank you. (cheers and applause) sit in the chair, for god's sake. >> thank you. >> jon: how are you? >> thank you so much. great, man. >> jon: nice to see you again. >> great to see you. >> jon: here's what i don't like about this movie. (laughter) >> yeah? >> jon:
jon? >> jon: thank you, lewis. lewis black, everybody. [ birds chirping ] [ inhales, exhales ] [ announcer ] cigarettes are not just dangerous when they're smoked. [ rat squeaking ] they're dangerous long after. cigarette butts are toxic. they release chemicals that poison our water... and harm wildlife. and millions... are polluting our environment. [ sniffing ] [ seagulls squawking ] (cheers and applause). >> jon: welcome back! my guest tonight, his latest film is called...
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>> jon: where you work? >> where i work. say the word. >> jon: uhthe-- >> say it. wherwhere do i work? >> jon: what is the shah's secret police organization? what is that? so you're over there. >> i'm over there in hell. >> jon: in hell, right. i'll say the organization, soron. and-- so there's the sense they have been singled out purely because of their political beliefs. to be profiled like that. >> right. >> jon: it must be very upset. >> well, we set bonfires and homes light up. >> jon: just to be lumped in with people based solely on one factor, is unfair, i guess is what i'm saying. it's unfair. >> yeah. >> jon: it would be like-- let's say somebody committed an act of terror, and we took their whole religion. >> right. >> jon: and we lumped them all in for special singling out. >> that's a very interesting analogy. so, a, act of terror, not 14,600 acts of terror, all right. >> jon: well. >> i'm just doing the math here. if they keep mounting up, maybe you do a little profiling, maybe. >> jon: so you're okay with profiling as long as-- >> once it gets over 14
>> jon: where you work? >> where i work. say the word. >> jon: uhthe-- >> say it. wherwhere do i work? >> jon: what is the shah's secret police organization? what is that? so you're over there. >> i'm over there in hell. >> jon: in hell, right. i'll say the organization, soron. and-- so there's the sense they have been singled out purely because of their political beliefs. to be profiled like that. >> right. >> jon: it must be very upset....
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jon? >> jon: thank you, lewis. lewis black, everybody. aú (cheers and applause). >> jon: welcome back! my guest tonight, his latest film is called "oblivion." >> technician 4-9, ships systems are green. i'm good to go. >> copy tech 4-9, you've cleared. >> good work on that. (laughter) >> jon: please welcome back to the show tom cruise! (cheers and applause) >> jon: . >> thank you very much. >> jon: the people love! they love! >> thank you. (cheers and applause) sit in the chair, for god's sake. >> thank you. >> jon: how are you? >> thank you so much. great, man. >> jon: nice to see you again. >> great to see you. >> jon: here's what i don't like about this movie. (laughter) >> yeah? >> jon: so you drop into pits on ropes on that wire, you're doing these flips and things and stunts and you did them and you're my age and it upsets me. (laughter) to no end. that's why -- because they said, you know, i go "he did some crazy stunts in this thing." >> and and they said "you know he's 50 now." and i said "no, i'm 50,". >
jon? >> jon: thank you, lewis. lewis black, everybody. aú (cheers and applause). >> jon: welcome back! my guest tonight, his latest film is called "oblivion." >> technician 4-9, ships systems are green. i'm good to go. >> copy tech 4-9, you've cleared. >> good work on that. (laughter) >> jon: please welcome back to the show tom cruise! (cheers and applause) >> jon: . >> thank you very much. >> jon: the people love! they love!...
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. >> jon: so... so. jon: i hope this works out for you. >> thanks, jon. i'm plugging away. >> jon: i think that's right. i think that's right. this phenomenon. >> right. jon: is insanity. it's worldwide insanity. >> yes. i should come out right now. >> jon: it would be dramatic. ( cheers and applause ). people are shaking with excitement and glee. >> right. i mean, i feel this way about, you know, the movies that i was really into growing up. i love the enthusiasm. >> jon: were you a super hero guy growing up? your father was a director so you were involved in film. >> i mean i was around movies ought time. they were underground movies. very cool stuff. but i mean i remember when i saw the first superman movie with christopher reeve, it's fun. >> jon: you believed a man could fly? >> well, no. i mean, because the effects weren't very good back then. >> jon: the effects in this are really ridiculous. this is the thing with... do you remember, okay, so the first three star wars movies. you're like these are excellent movies. that's how i got involved in sci
. >> jon: so... so. jon: i hope this works out for you. >> thanks, jon. i'm plugging away. >> jon: i think that's right. i think that's right. this phenomenon. >> right. jon: is insanity. it's worldwide insanity. >> yes. i should come out right now. >> jon: it would be dramatic. ( cheers and applause ). people are shaking with excitement and glee. >> right. i mean, i feel this way about, you know, the movies that i was really into growing up. i love the...
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jon, duh? >> >> jon: you didn't know the name of smoke signal? >> i'll have more after they do -- what is that the cracker and juice ceremony. >> jon: it's called communion. >> communion, joe mcheal's show? if you say -- joel mchale's show? of course. >> jon: aasif mandvi, everybody. who gets to vote for the new pope and where do they do it? it's been set in stone for centuries but the process is still a mystery. >> the cardinals of church will meet behind the locked doors of sistine chap toll elect a pope. in that process known as a conclave. >> conclave in latin means with key. >> jon: okay. that doesn't help. to shed light on the ritual we go to samantha bee also in rome. [cheers and applause] i don't know if you ran into assif but you are both there. >> it's weird. >> jon: it is weird. the cord naves are gathering it's known as the conclave. >> no, conclave is latin for with key. weren't you listening? it describes the closed door meeting. >> jon: what is the group called a congress? a minion? >> no, i think you are thinking of geese. [ laugh
jon, duh? >> >> jon: you didn't know the name of smoke signal? >> i'll have more after they do -- what is that the cracker and juice ceremony. >> jon: it's called communion. >> communion, joe mcheal's show? if you say -- joel mchale's show? of course. >> jon: aasif mandvi, everybody. who gets to vote for the new pope and where do they do it? it's been set in stone for centuries but the process is still a mystery. >> the cardinals of church will meet...
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>> i don't know, jon. >> jon: and i get this. [bleeped]. >> sorry. >> jon: i'm not blaming you. >> i feel bad, though. >> jon: i've learned to do it. >> i think you look great. [audience reacts]. >> jon: watch, watch. what? that's what it's useful for. >> awesome. >> jon: yeah, yeah, yeah, do you ever meet people that you see on television or in the firms in person and think they look completely different than how they look in regular life? actors especially because they transform themselves physically. >> yeah, for sure. i think so. >> jon: who do you got? anybody in particular? i thought jennifer lawrence looked like helen mirren. >> oh, yeah, i just watched that. i just watched that interview. i totally thought, i see what you're saying. >> jon: thank you. thank you. >> she acted like you were crazy. >> jon: kind of like... >> i love her. >> jon: she's tremendous. >> but i saw what you saw. >> jon: like helen mirren. >> totally. still upset about that, aren't you? >> jon: wait until i get home and think about how old i am comp
>> i don't know, jon. >> jon: and i get this. [bleeped]. >> sorry. >> jon: i'm not blaming you. >> i feel bad, though. >> jon: i've learned to do it. >> i think you look great. [audience reacts]. >> jon: watch, watch. what? that's what it's useful for. >> awesome. >> jon: yeah, yeah, yeah, do you ever meet people that you see on television or in the firms in person and think they look completely different than how they look in regular...
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bagelman. >> jon, jon, please... (applause) thank you thank you. jon, please, dr. bagelman lives in florida. call me marvin. the last time i saw an anti-semitic caricature that bad it was your high school yearbook photo. boom! zing! >> of course dr. bagelman came in last with 14% of the vote. >> which is no surprise after they ran the schmear campaign against him. hey! >> taking third place, french jon with 16% of the vote. up top. >> down low. too slow. >> okay. (laughter and applause) >> jon: this pencil factory has been in our family for seven generations. (laughter) but i now must close it forever. damn you, inevitable technological progress. papa, papa! (laughter) i have wonderful news, papa! it seems everyone wants pencils again. the pencil factory she is saved! oh, my gosh! >> italian jon did a little bit better, capiche? he got 24% of the vote. >> jon: hey! (applause) hey! welcome! everybody, fantastico! the italian parliament, she just passed a law decriminalizing some hundred minor offense including insulting a public official. so to the detective who gav
bagelman. >> jon, jon, please... (applause) thank you thank you. jon, please, dr. bagelman lives in florida. call me marvin. the last time i saw an anti-semitic caricature that bad it was your high school yearbook photo. boom! zing! >> of course dr. bagelman came in last with 14% of the vote. >> which is no surprise after they ran the schmear campaign against him. hey! >> taking third place, french jon with 16% of the vote. up top. >> down low. too slow. >>...
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dudes, jon. >> jon: i see the one guy. i see you. i see you assif there you are. >> finally, yeah. >> jon: assif, one thing i'm unclear though how could atlanta be so strongly effected by the snow fall when it's just two inches? >> what do you mean jon, just two inches? i can tell you from personal experience that two inches is a lot more impressive than it sounds. people talk about other cities having 12, 13 inches, yeah right. maybe in the movies. there's plenty of cities out there who find two inches way too much to handle. [ laughter ] >> jon: i guess i suppose in some situations i could see -- assif where did you go? you moved to a different -- where are you? >> (bleep). i think they moved me, jon. it's chaos. >> jon: are are you now? i have no idea. >> i i'm told i'm in box 18. it's in -- >> jon: i gotcha. okay. tell me what is going on. >> the the point is it's not the size of snow fall that matters. it's the duration of the condensation if you get my -- >> jon: are you trying to tell us you have a two inch penis? [
dudes, jon. >> jon: i see the one guy. i see you. i see you assif there you are. >> finally, yeah. >> jon: assif, one thing i'm unclear though how could atlanta be so strongly effected by the snow fall when it's just two inches? >> what do you mean jon, just two inches? i can tell you from personal experience that two inches is a lot more impressive than it sounds. people talk about other cities having 12, 13 inches, yeah right. maybe in the movies. there's plenty of...
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(cheers and applause) ♪ >> jon: thank you! my name is jon stewart. my guest tonight, a gentleman by the name of tom cruise will be joining us, because some people named cruise have the balls to come do this show. (cheers and applause) senator oh, i've got to stay in washington and do business? sounds like president obama jetting around on that sweet government plane of his. that's right, pal. you should be fying commercial like the rest like watching paul blart 2 on a tiny scream waiting for chicken chunks and you never get them because a drunk guy took a dump on the cart! (laughter) it's good the president is making shoes of air force one while he has it. >> president obama became the first sitting president of the united states to visit ethiopia. he traveled from his father's homeland kenya. >> jon: father's homeland! ha ha! hmm! his father's homeland, the place where his phat was born! >> ill suspect some of my critics back home are suggesting i'm back here to look for my birth certificate. (laughter) >> jon: well that stole a lot of the joy out o
(cheers and applause) ♪ >> jon: thank you! my name is jon stewart. my guest tonight, a gentleman by the name of tom cruise will be joining us, because some people named cruise have the balls to come do this show. (cheers and applause) senator oh, i've got to stay in washington and do business? sounds like president obama jetting around on that sweet government plane of his. that's right, pal. you should be fying commercial like the rest like watching paul blart 2 on a tiny scream...
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[laughter] >> jon: really? >> i don't make the rules, jon. jon >> jon: look. if even that guy raised taxes, doesn't that at least challenge the current republican belief system? >> cynics like you are always looking for doctrinal contradictions. >> jon: the rich now have way more wealth and income even since the 80s. republicans think tax cuts raise revenue, why not cut taxes to zero. >> jon, let me tell you parable. a holy man was in the desert and the multitudes came and said, we have no food. he said, here are five loaves and two fishes and so it was that the holy man and one of his friends sat down and ate a [bleeped] load of fish sandwiches. [laughter] >> jon: what about... [applause] what about the multitudes? >> what about 'em? are you suggesting that socialist redistribution of fish and bread? why punish the most successful fisherman? >> jon: look, i don't think i understand this parable's message. how do the multitudes eat? >> that's not the holy man's problem. am i my brother's keeper? >> jon: that's a biblical saying. cain said that when he's trying
[laughter] >> jon: really? >> i don't make the rules, jon. jon >> jon: look. if even that guy raised taxes, doesn't that at least challenge the current republican belief system? >> cynics like you are always looking for doctrinal contradictions. >> jon: the rich now have way more wealth and income even since the 80s. republicans think tax cuts raise revenue, why not cut taxes to zero. >> jon, let me tell you parable. a holy man was in the desert and the...
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. >> jon, jon, jon, we need him to still be alive. if bin laden is dead our adventures in pakistan and iraq and these other countries could all be drawing to a close. >> jon: right, which is wonderful. >> no, but the war spending is the only sector of our economies that's booming. 4r56 laugh (laughter) >> dow want to risk popping the terror bubble? (laughter) it's our last bubble. (laughter) >> jon: john, i'm also protect our bubble economies but osama bin laden is dead and nothing can kang that. >> jon, jon, jon v a little faith in america. we can go anything we put our minds to. we're the country that put a man on the moon. and we're also the country that created the rumor that we did not put a man on the money. (laughter) >> jon: you're saying, john, to save our economy, we need to create some sort of new conspiracy theory about osama bin laden from scratch. >> yes, that's what we do best. >> jon: how would you even get a bin laden conspiracy theory going now. >> right, well jon, the key is to make people feel like texas. you can't
. >> jon, jon, jon, we need him to still be alive. if bin laden is dead our adventures in pakistan and iraq and these other countries could all be drawing to a close. >> jon: right, which is wonderful. >> no, but the war spending is the only sector of our economies that's booming. 4r56 laugh (laughter) >> dow want to risk popping the terror bubble? (laughter) it's our last bubble. (laughter) >> jon: john, i'm also protect our bubble economies but osama bin laden is...
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(laughter). >> jon: yeah. i mean, that's... >> jon, i wrote another book. >> jon: oh, okay. sure. >> i think we have this one, too. (laughter) if you can see it, it's... (laughter). well, i guess that's fairly self-explanatory. it's a book... it's how i imagine steve jobs would have written my biography. (laughter) >> jon: i guess that's an e-book. >> well done. (laughter) >> jon: well, see, i mean, i have to tell you i'm very... you're right. maybe i didn't perhaps nurture that enough when you were here and i apologize for that. >> no, no, no. you were very nurturing, you were lovely. you were lovely, lovely man. >> jon: it looked like you had written a book about that i hit you. >> that's by anonymous. >> jon: that's not you. >> not necessarily. >> jon: is there anything in the steve jobs/steve carell book that i should know about that comes up that's damaging to me? >> so you didn't read these books? >> jon: i didn't read them all. >> i sent these books to you and i thought you were the type of person who did their home work before the show. caught ya! that's a gotcha mom
(laughter). >> jon: yeah. i mean, that's... >> jon, i wrote another book. >> jon: oh, okay. sure. >> i think we have this one, too. (laughter) if you can see it, it's... (laughter). well, i guess that's fairly self-explanatory. it's a book... it's how i imagine steve jobs would have written my biography. (laughter) >> jon: i guess that's an e-book. >> well done. (laughter) >> jon: well, see, i mean, i have to tell you i'm very... you're right. maybe i...
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wow. >> no, no. >> jon: wow! >> no. >> jon: i needed that. i needed that. >> you're welcome. >> jon: thank you. >> you're welcome. >> jon: though that was a little harder than in rehearsal and it was more on the eye than i thought it was going to be. >> i don't believe in half measures and i don't know how to fake slap anyway. >> jon: that's going to leave a mark. just because this guy runs a therapy practice that perpetrates a terrible so shiite al crime on gay people itç doesn't mean i should give. in we talked about in this group, jon. comedy is a choice. you weren't born this way. >> jon: i know. i know that. >> you understand? >> jon: i do know that. >> you can resist it. you must resist it. >> jon: it's so hard jerry. >> instead of going for the cheap gay joke try watching the footage. make astute observations. he's a big man. he is dancing. what kind of dance is he doing? >> jon: it's called the the shag. that's a funny name. he has a funny name. >> jon: marcus bachmann y is that funny? >> bachmann? is that a classical music superher
wow. >> no, no. >> jon: wow! >> no. >> jon: i needed that. i needed that. >> you're welcome. >> jon: thank you. >> you're welcome. >> jon: though that was a little harder than in rehearsal and it was more on the eye than i thought it was going to be. >> i don't believe in half measures and i don't know how to fake slap anyway. >> jon: that's going to leave a mark. just because this guy runs a therapy practice that perpetrates a...